Reflection of my work 2023
I thought that I would like to write down some reflection of 2023.
Are you happy in 2023?
Generally, I am out in my comfortable zone in 2023 and went to new group. I always say final goodbye to my mentor. At beginning of this year, I were still quite nervous for few reasons
1, There were five of bully members in the close environment and they created such negative effect on my psychology. Maybe they were never talking about me. But I had such bad experience at 2022 and it effected my mental health largely. In the past, there were worse situation than now. They had two team leaders which were their clique group. In 2022, they made terrible for my work life. From term 1 to term 3, each time, I saw them to gather together to chat for long time in their own language. It always triggers my suspicious.
Strategies 1: I trained myself to think positive and built positive connection with wide community of colleagues.
I begin to build good relationship with K and L and L, D. I choose kind and integrity people first. But I did find that I made some mistake. I will sum up in another section.
Strategies 2: Focus on the things that you can control.
I also remind myself to remember that focus on the things which I can control, not the things which I can not control. You can not control whether another’s people opinion and friendship, integrity level. I need think them as objective. Robert Greene ever said that think them as objection like table, like children. They are not good enough to make you lost your inner peace and balance of life.
Strategies 3: Distance myself with the people who negative and toxic.
S was away four month and I never said anything to her. Then she stepped down from leadership role. Actually, it was very good news for me. I don’t need show artificial respect for her anymore. She has no people skills to become leader and her ability is average and just worker for money. She is the slyest one during all five members. I used to think that she is leader of bully group behind the scene.
I lost all trust with her when I saw how she handle injustice case between her best friend and me. I decide to cut all socialization with her and move on.
Strategies 4: Don’t hold grudge too long and bottle my feeling.
I used to remember that one sentence said that you will forget what they said, but you will never forget what they made you feel. This is so true. When some people humiliated and put your down, you will never forget what they gave you this feeling.
In this industry, there had so many people who struggled their own failure in life. Their poverty, their health problem and their lost ambitious and hope…… when they can not hold so much negative feeling. Sometimes, you will become their emotional garage bin. They will dump their negativity to you. But it is really important to know their intention. Some people’s intentions are so ill and it made me to doubt evilness of human nature. Especially group thinking become some main source to hate or like people.
Strategies 5: remind of your self-attention, remind you are not as important as you thinking.
Try no think that you are so important as people think. They gathered together to discuss with you and actually you are not as important as you think. Especially I am very distant with the group of bully people now. I set up quite strict boundaries, including physical boundaries and mental boundaries. Mental boundaries includes not express anything real thinking or opinion towards people. Physical boundaries includes not near them around and create long distance with them. All things related to them are blocked. It saves my energy and mental peace.
2, I thought that it must be nearly one year and it made me think a lot about relationship between me and my mentor.
I live in a lot of confusion and self-reflection towards my imbalance of mind. I didn’t want myself to rely on her. It will give so much burden for her. I don’t think that she will like it either. She mentored me six years and she wanted me to become more confident, independent and professionals. She will not want me to become emotion rely on heavily.
Strategy 1: emotion and physical detachment.
It is most hard part because the time will make you so comfortable with people and situation. But to some extent, you will stop to grow as people. You have no chance to learn from another people. This year, I spent long time to observe L’s leadership and style. It was so different with my mentor. It was so relaxed and just easy going, less structure. But it can be mess and less communication and organization.
I found that I am on the process to used to. I plan to work with L for four years and will learn most of her teaching and style. The most thing I love about L is her thoughtfulness and empathy. She looked like the person who can communicate with my mentor so openly. My mentor can tell her anything because she was professional and empathy and sympathy. They are the same of social status, it made them to rely on each other’s support and build muti trust.
Strategy 2: Don’t commit with anyone and be good subordinate
I need remind myself all the time. I am good subordinate and not the same social status as my mentor. We are never friends and if it is, it is just my confusion and misunderstanding. It will never happen either. Friends are muti-benefit and muti-open. You will catch up outside of work. My psychologist reminded me that I asked this request before and it never happened.
In 2023, she had so much huge things, main illness and home issue. Each of them is so scary and enough to hurt people to end. But she never shows much emotions and distress in the work. She must so strong and control her emotion to perfectly. This strength and professionalism gave me some impression of her, like very respectful human being.
When I asked her how is her 2023, she said it is all right in very peaceful and calm voice. She never wants to share with me. I understand and like D said, the leader doesn’t make friends with subordinate.
Somehow, I think that it also links with ego and she didn’t want to show her vulnerability at front of her subordinate. It makes her feel that her weak.
I also thought that she knew that I care her too much and over normal people. Probably it should not. But it was and I wrote down so much letter to her…. If she ever told me her illness and her family…. I must be so mad with tearing and remind her all the time. This is not what she needs.
I pretend on knowing nothing. It seemed that it is highest life wisdom.
You know everything, but you pretend on know nothing.
Strategies 3: Think of long term and even she retired and if she want, we can keep in touch.
Let life itself decide and I cannot control the future. I only know that the right boundary is respect her and keep all in work. Be good subordinate while she is my mentor.
2024, there had two key bully members leave and I feel that it will good year for me to rebuild my self-confidence and assertiveness in future.
