Friday I have coach with senior Leader J. I feel quite upset about S which is best friend of my work bully colleague. She gave some unnecessary criticism towards me and gave very low valuation. Something are very small and never even need mention. It called nitpick patty. 99% of people will never even notice. The other comments are very judgmental and it is her opinion. It gave me impression that she wanted to do injustice criticism to me due to I reported her best friend have workplace bully me 6 month ago.
Work bully is existing and also they are group of people joined together to attach you in psychological and physically.
I help my mind to change from negative and angry mood to more positive mood.
1, I need keep going to remind myself : my self worth come from my value and not come from what her opinions. She and her work place bully colleagues opinion can not change who I am.
2, As senior leader J and she need work cooperate with a while group of people. S did write document well. Her degree and her opinions are nothing special or inspire me much. Bored and detailed and judgmental type.
Not all leader is good leader
- Her leadership style will never encourage you much even you worked very hard. She is also not the leader to deal with conflicts between employees.
- When employees had some difficulties to deal with each other, she just said that she was not work at that day and she didn’t know. It is better to deal with by yourselves. I understood that it is reactive and push responsibilities out. It keep less headache of her and keep her harmony. But sometimes, if she is great leader and she can not do like this way. Great leader face challenges and solve with it. For this point, I never think that she had any leadership which deserve me to respect.
- Lack of creative skills and imagination. She is only average employee which has high degree. She will never use her own time to do any research for any further development. She is not nasty bone, but she is with prejudice eyes.
- Lack of transparent info and she allow herself to communicate with her best friend about all gossip. But if you concerned her fairness, she will say that she didn’t like what you concerned about her friendship with bully friend. For me, it is another sign of bias and injustice.
Mistakes which I made
1, Assume leader will have high integrity and moral, will do things fairly.
I made some mistake which I assumed that she is fair leader. She will take responsibilities and not put her personal deep relationship to deal with things. Because I had work bully experience with her best friends. But human is emotional and human is not machine.
2, I assume her leadership skills too high.
She didn’t have ability to deal with complicated conflicts. Her style is avoid and push responsibility away. I expected she have ability to deal with complicated conflicts between employees. She didn’t have any skills to do it. After discussed with her about my concerned with her best bully friends, she just shut down me with some excuse.
Toxic people characters to watch in your life
Recognizing a “toxic person” may be more about identifying how they make you feel rather than what they do or say.
If you’re interacting with a person with toxic behaviors, you may:
- feel confused and unsure of yourself
- leave the interaction feeling drained, angry, or full of anxiety
- feel bad about yourself in some way
- continually feel the need to help them
- notice that your boundaries aren’t being respected or you’re being manipulated
- experience guilt for saying “no” or feel they won’t take “no” for a final answer
- feel like you’re “walking on eggshells” around them
- frequently change your behavior to adapt
what are sign?
People who tend to have toxic behaviors might not be easy to spot. But aside from noting how they make you feel, there are a few signs to look for that indicate a person may be toxic.
These signs include the following:
- Drama may follow them everywhere they go, and their life may seem to have the storyline of a TV soap opera.
- They can be masters of manipulation, yet you might not notice this until you witness them doing it to someone else.
- They might constantly judge others, including you.
- Their neediness may be suffocating, yet when you need them, they disappear.
- They may not see themselves as the problem — it may be everyone else’s fault.
Regard S and her workplace bully friends as personality disorder and mental illness, angry management. It is their own failure of their life which they didn’t know. They got enjoyment from abuse another people. Due to their life, they can not face failure and disappointment.
I worked out some strategies to work better and smarting future.
It will be similar with distance and avoid.
1, set up clear boundaries with my value. Practice different boundaries sentence in confident.
I practice some sentence such as
I didn’t feel comfortable when you shouted at me. I never treat you like this, please stop.
I didn’t feel comfortable to socialize or talk with you.
I respect your opinion, however, I didn’t agree with it. Please don’t force on me.
I feel annoyed when you always keep eyes on me and gave me unnecessary criticism, please focus on your work please.
2, Cut relationship and contact with extremely toxic people. Not even greeting or goodbye. Just keep very distance. Even in future, they show around and just keep very indifferent.
I have already cut four Toxic employees in my work. I began to realized that I didn’t need get along with everyone and I didn’t need anyone like me either. For moral and value difference, I don’t need please different value and moral people. I don’t want to be people pleased. I have my own value and moral. I didn’t have energy and time to waste or socialize with toxic people.
3, For Less obvious toxic people and only say hello and goodbye.
Only for surface. They are also not deserve my time and energy either.
4, focus on quality and kind, positive people.
Reference: Toxic people characters, from website https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one#next-steps
